Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
