are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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