Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
