Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
