My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
