I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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