Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
