I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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