Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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