Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
