sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
