remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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