A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
All I want is dick and wine.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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