That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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