Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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