Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
