Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
