Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
my being single is dangerous.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
