Your mouth is God's brothel.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
