The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
this hospital has no fireball
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
