She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
