I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
