she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
