had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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