You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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