I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
