I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
