I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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