I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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