I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
