I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
