I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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