If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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