The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
