I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
