Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
