Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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