that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
