My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
