Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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