either way he was missing a nipple.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
