i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
