Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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