Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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