I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
