does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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