her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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