I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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