eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
