Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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