If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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