i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
